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hello, yes hello [Oct. 19th, 2007|11:41 am]
and the welcome rolls my way when i walk into a room full of lost souls, and we sit, and we talk, and we bond. we bond over what? religeon? politics? sadness? i think it was all of those. all talking and relating, and pouring out our sorrows to each other, so we can make room for more to come in. we remember when we had the world by the tail, and when we had life by the horns, and we talk about our plans of getting it back again one day. a thousand old friends in one hour, stop to look at me like im some tourist attraction, and they say how they remember me. "why dont i remember you?" i ask them. no hard feelings. thats just me being myself, letting life scuttle bye like its never going to end. story's and story's and some tails as well. we tell tails of being brave, of our giants who lay slain in our hearts, and our heads. quick access to happiness and feeling good here. this is only the temporary kind though, atleast for them, i could fly forever feeling this good. and they wonder how i do it. well i'll have you know, you just learn things unintentionally when your living this life, and the rest is a secret best left kept. warm wishing and hugs, and hand shaking when i leave, this happens every night. the next day is sure to be full of more adventures like this.
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ok [Aug. 24th, 2007|12:41 pm]
i passed the audition. i have a feeling this is going to be really hard...
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it takes some time of getting used to but love can destroy everything [Jul. 31st, 2006|10:52 pm]
and its true here i am again. i cant begin to explain how crazy ive been driving when im upset lately.

ive been eating so much. usually when im pissed off i dont eat at all, but lately i have been eating alot. and drinking record amounts of black coffee again. i forgot how much my stomach hurts when im upset. alot......alot.

maybe im being irrational, but i owe this to myself. ive forgotton myself and how i operate.

im sorry i made melynda sad and made her leave early tonight. now she hates me i think. but thats ok because its become a trend, and lately ive grown quite unfond of myself too. and im sure this makes me look like one of those people who are constantly saying "my life is so miserable everyone just has to know".

i have this really painful sinus infection.

i dont know whats important to me anymore. i cant think of anything atleast. its a pitty ive turned into one of those twenty something burnouts who turned out to be a waste of life. im just upset my family has to put up with this.

all melynda says is how much i need a make out buddy. i dont know why. maybe she thinks it would cheer me up. what a girl. i cant believe how we blew up at each other tonight. she was the only cool thing left about my job.

everyone is moving on but im staying right here. thats just what i do best.

i know people care about me but i just keep dissapointing myself. thats just my "cranky pissant view".
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try.. [Jul. 21st, 2006|11:15 am]
we all move on, and maybe i dont exist to you anymore, but thats whats best.....for you. Whats best for you is what i really care about anyways.

when it rains, it pours down the back of a bitter son, desperate for love and loves everyone....

try to hold on...

let it be, it aint me [Jul. 20th, 2006|03:36 pm]
my parents are leaivng town on saturday for two weeks.

this should be good.
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melinda [Jul. 17th, 2006|10:07 pm]
atleast me and melinda can be mad together. we were both depressed today, have the same birthday, grew up one street apart in the same neighborhood, and cant figure out what the hell is going on.

we were both planning our birthday together. we both think it would be best to stay home, just so nothing gets anymore fucked up than it allready is. that and maybe we'll go watch belly dancers together!!!
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... [Jul. 16th, 2006|10:31 pm]
im so angry right now. i give up on trying to make things be happy. in fact i hope everything goes wrong for me. it seems like everyone else thinks the worst will happen to me anyways. i wish i could just start my life over again. theres so much i would do different. im just a bad person who doesent deserve anything good. fuck everything. i need something new. no ones doing it for me, and no one gives a fuck. i regret so much, ive done so much wrong, ive wronged so many people, and ive hurt so many people. i havent told people i love you enough, and i looked out for myself to much. fuck me, im such a fucking bastard.

i keep going over the time i met so and so or said hello to so and so and i cant help but think they would have been better off not even knowing i existed. so unfair of me to barge my wain in to someones life. i dont care if anyone hates me anymore i deserve it. ive had this coming, and im sorry for hurting anyone.

i always knew i was just a giant waste, but i finally accepted it tonight, i just thought you should know.

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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2006|09:15 pm]
i like how me and ally write notes for each other before our shifts so we have something to read. shes a funny kid. its nice talking anthropology with someone.

summer school is fun.

one year [Jul. 13th, 2006|11:23 am]
the last of my three day one year ago memories.

today was the day after i pulled into town from san diego. i wont forget any of these past three days, especially this one. stuff happened today one year ago that i dont know if i will ever forget. if i could go back a year and change things around i would. i would change what i said and who i said it too. if i could go back and change things to the way they should have been i think lots would be different. maybe i would have gotton closer to someone, maybe i would never have even come into contact with some people at all. either way this day will always be a remourseful day to remember. having a good memory can be a bad thing, especially when you have to live with a mistake. people say we learn from our mistakes, but i had a weird feeling today last year. i knew it was a mistake before i even said what i did. like a sandpaper feeling. i said what i said, but at the same time i asked myself "why the fuck did you say that".

whats done is done and in the past. unfortunatley i have made many mistakes, especially in the past year, this is one of the mistakes i most regret.

"all things change
never rest, never sure
what is worth
hanging on for"

one year [Jul. 12th, 2006|09:05 pm]
another day, another memory from a year ago.
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